With a Wink and a Smile and a Vial of Meth, I Took his Hand and we Walked through the Shadow of Death...























More and more frequently I am beginning to think of myself as a lump of clay. Never fundamentally one thing except something that can be moulded into every possible shape or form. Perhaps this means that I am like the water, constantly flowing, moving, changing. I have grown weary of the constant desire to please everyone around me. Fear is a powerful motivator. Taunting. Teasing. Always second guessing. Too scared that what I say will be the wrong thing. Surely I can't always be the only one making an effort. Yet I am. It is impossible to live up to the unrealistic expectations that are unceremoniously thrust upon me. My troubled mind is so clouded by the desperate need to hold together that which is rapidly slipping through my fingers that I can barely keep my head from toppling off my shoulders.This is a dangerous place to be in. I can feel it. I can sense myself tip-toeing closer to the edge of the abyss but there is nothing I can do to stop my perpetual descent.

There are fleeting moments of blissful oblivion. A poorly lit, smokey room filled with strangers. The smell of whiskey and stale cigarettes. The familiarity of my friends' faces, their infectious laughter. The heady seduction of the warm, golden liquid sliding down my throat and embracing my insides. The unbridled excitement of tasting his lips for the first time. I am ashamed to admit that this is my favorite part of being with someone. That shiver of anticipation at the temptation of the unknown, that which has not yet been conquered. The fear that the inevitable boredom will descend and spread until it consumes me will only come later.

Sex has become shrouded in shame. Done behind closed doors, in the dark, naked but unexposed. Leaving the scent of guilt lingering until it is scrubbed off under scalding water. Yet, the idea of another person's flesh against my own thrills me. A warm body to thaw the impenetrable facade.

And still here I sit. Constantly reapplying lip ice as if it will make a difference. My mind is a whirlpool of various streams of consciousness. I struggle to arrive at any semblance of coherence. If I have an essence I have yet to discover it.

Love & light,
M xx

31 comments:

  1. Totally showing the Husband this shirt, He'll LOVE it. Haha. And I love those pretty blue lace shorts, awesome contrast. Thanks for stopping by my blog :)
    Jessi
    haircutandgeneralattitude.blogspot.com

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  2. Hey!!! Nice blog!!! What aboub follow eath other????

    http://malohatbb.blogspot.ru/

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  3. You definitely need to lighten up and focus on the good things in life.
    Don't put uneccessary pressure on yourself - you are a wonderful person who has achieved so much with an exciting future ahead.
    And by the way who's lips are you anticipating??????

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  4. I LOVE the shirt.

    Oh dear, this post doesnt sound too positive - I hope you are okay? I think the thought of kissing somebody or touch something for the first time is amazing, all that time you have imagined it and the reaction and feelings when it finally comes true - it feels like no moment can be as perfect. Sex is nothing to be ashamed off, it is natural, wonderful and beautiful.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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  5. Love the entire outfit! Your rock girl! xxx

    http://www.fashionnarcissism.com/

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  6. You have so cool style! ♥ i follow you now! :) follow me 2? ♥ XX

    Love, http://jeannays.blogspot.fi/ ♥

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  7. cool photos! badass outfit, i really like it! ;>

    [my weirdoland - www.pigeongray.blogspot.com]

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  8. So cute look, love your sunnies!
    What about following each other through GFC, Lookbook and Bloglovin? Just let me know!
    Xxx

    Carolina

    www.the-world-c.blogspot.com

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  9. Beautiful images you have the coolest hair color.
    We should follow each other by bloglovin and gfc let me know thx.
    http://tifi11@blogspot.com

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  10. Love the shorts hun! wish I could wear them lol..
    You also have the prettiest hair colour!

    thanks for visiting my blog :)
    Followed You back!

    Much love
    Easmin xoxo

    http://www.ohhsopeachy.com/

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  11. I love the shirt with the short! I follow you now back xjes Shall we also follow with bloglovin? let me know
    www.supongoestilo.blogspot.nl

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  12. Cute sunnies, I used to have a pair like that but I lost them :(

    Love your blog, would you like to follow each other? Just follow me and I'll follow straight back :)

    http://lipstickedlouise.blogspot.co.uk/

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  13. love this shorts and also your blog! It's so nice!!! I follow you!
    Pass to my blog and if it likes you follow me too, I will be so glad :D
    Kisses
    http://francescagiusti.blogspot.it/

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  14. hi thanks for following my blog! You're so stylish and I love your blog too! This post is absolutely beautiful, your writing is like poetry.

    Maisie  (◕‿◕✿)

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  15. wow, these are really great photos! love the vibe and the juxtaposition of things like the heart sunnies with that t-shirt and the ankle boots on the handprinted sidewalk :)
    you've got a way with words, capturing the mundane in a way that makes it seem less so. great writing!
    I'm following you now!
    ♥ vivian | seattleite fashionista

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  16. Great look and amazing photos...
    i like your style!

    i follow your blog
    <3

    www.blackstarstyle.com

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  17. You look perfect <3 Love everything, your hair, shorts, top and glasses! <3 Do you wanna follow each other on GFC, Bloglovin', Instagram or maybe like for like on Facebook ? xoxo
    Blog Lissey

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  18. Thank you for your lovely comment and checking out my blog!

    Following you on GFC and bloglovin!

    Hope you follow back :)

    http://sydneyandamynyc.blogspot.com

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  19. OMG, I seriously love your sunnies! Thanks for stopping by my blog, would you like to follow each other?

    WWW.ROXTHEFOX.COM

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  20. Such a cute look! Love the glasses!

    Wanna follow each other? Check out my blog and let me know! :)

    <3 Kayla
    un-simplyme.blogspot.com

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  21. Very cool pics! Your shorts and sunnies are fab
    xx
    www.JuneWantsItAll.com

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  22. love your tshirt!!!

    coloreport.blogspot.mx

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  23. Look through a couple of your posts and I love your style, it seems versatile and I love that. And thank you for your comment on my blog! I'm your follower and hope you'll follow back! :)

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  24. Love the photos and your style!
    Wanna follow each other on GFC and Bloglovin?
    If interested and you like my blog let me know and I'll follow back.

    Stardust Stain Blog
    Stardust Stain on Bloglovin'

    Lots of love,
    Tina

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    Replies
    1. Thank you dear, followed back.
      Have a nice day!

      Delete
  25. Cool outft.
    http://tifi11@blogspot.com

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  26. love this beautiful outfit :)
    http://femensleatherjackets.blogspot.com/

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  27. Very cool glasses ... <3

    Iffa
    lesssugartea.blogspot.com

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  28. Love the whole outfit here! :)

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  29. That was beautifully written & I can definitely relate...
    These photos are amazing! Love your style & you're cute as fuck

    xxBianca
    www.xoxololita.com

    ReplyDelete